For All Cat Lovers

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1) Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat again in left arm and repeat step #1

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm while holding back paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut to the count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from the top of wardrobe.

6) Call spouse from garden

7) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth with the other. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

8) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note self to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

9) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with ear just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, insert end of straw and BLOW.

10) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans and drink a Coke to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

11) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, just leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

12) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last date of tetanus shot. Throw bloody, torn t-shirt away and fetch another from bedroom. Then call fire department to retrieve the cat from the tree across the street.

13) Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth, followed by a large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two liters of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches your fingers and forearm, and removes remnants of pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for pound to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any cute puppies

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1) Wrap it in bacon